My dear me...

My dear one, my strength,

You are still in the middle.

You are still in the cave.

You are still in the moment when the pain is so brutal, so animal, so deep that time bends.

You are still on your knees in the dark room of your own body, screaming with your eyes closed, trying to expel something that is yours, but that can no longer remain inside.

This divorce…Is not a separation.

It is a birth.

Violent. Raw.

It is flesh tearing from the inside, a scream trapped in the throat because if you scream too much it feels like you’ll undo the little that is still holding you together.

You are still in the middle.

In the second when you don’t know if the baby will come out.

If you will endure.

If you will rupture to the point of never being stitched back together.

There is a silent fear… one no one sees: the fear of dying in the middle of the crossing.

The fear of pushing and losing everything.

The fear of being left empty, of there being nothing after the pain.

The fear that this new “you” that is about to be born… will be born dead.

And outside, some watch.

From afar.

With the eyes of those who see a miracle.

As if this moment were sacred, beautiful, illuminated.

Maybe it is.

But not for you right now.

You are in raw flesh, in dark blood, in the part no one films, no one applauds.

You are still bearing down.

And there are moments when all you want is to close the legs of the soul.

To go back.

To put everything back inside again, even if it doesn’t fit.

Even if it hurts more.

Because in there it was familiar.

In there it was tight, but it was yours.

But trust.

Even without seeing.

Even without believing.

Trust because there is something in you that knows the way.

That knows the strength of the women who came before you.

Those who also thought they wouldn’t endure...and did.

You are giving birth to yourself.

In the middle of chaos, pain, the fear of dying.

But it is at that exact point, that place between death and miracle, that new life begins.

Breathe.

Push.

Cry.

Continue.

I am with you.

I always have been.

With raw love,

from me to me.