BECOMING

Today I caught myself thinking about something strange. About a year ago, in Tarot, I was represented by the Queen of Wands. Now I am the Queen of Pentacles. I don't know if I believe that Tarot predicts anything. Sometimes I do. Other times I think Tarot is simply a beautiful way of forcing us to look at what we already know but still can't quite say out loud. And maybe that's it. Because when I think about the woman I was a year ago, I recognise her immediately. But I no lo

Today I felt the need to remind myself of something. Changing direction doesn’t always mean I chose the wrong path. Maybe I simply changed. It’s strange to realise that. I spent so many years building a life, making plans, believing that some things would last forever. And then life happened. Some things stayed. Others disappeared. Some choices simply stopped making sense. And for a while, I confused that with failure. As if I had failed somewhere along the way. As if I had m

For months, I rowed against the current. There were days when I believed that if I rowed harder, the river would eventually give way. As if life could be persuaded by persistence. As if destiny would change course simply because I refused to stop. Today, I understand that the river was never against me. It was simply a river. And I was simply someone learning that not everything needs to be conquered. There are moments when the greatest courage lies not in fighting, but in le

I look back and i can’t count how many times i’ve died. I’m not talking about drama. I’m talking about the real thing: that moment when one version of you simply stops existing. Without ceremony. Without warning. Sometimes in the middle of a sentence, sometimes in a dawn you never asked for. Every major change in my life has brought a death with it. And i, naively, sometimes thought it was just a transition. A phase. Something that would pass. But it doesn’t pass like that. I

Lately, i’ve been thinking that life isn’t something we walk through… it’s something we dance. And the truth is, i don’t always know the steps. Some days i glide forward like the music is inside me. Other days i trip over my own feet and lose the rhythm completely. But somehow, even when i stumble, the song keeps playing. Two steps forward. One step back. And still… i move. There are days that feel like tango… heavy, close, slow. The kind of days where everything matters too

2002, i landed in the Netherlands, no friends, no plan, no clue. Just me, a bike and a head full of noise. Weekends were my escape: long rides through Haarlem’s narrow streets, wind in my face, music in my ears. And then, i found Kane - the Dutch music band. That sound. That fire. Raw, electric, untamed. Rock that felt like the pulse of the city itself, my city. Haarlem. Haarlem, where i learned to live alone and love it. Where i shared nights of laughter, wine and way too mu

He told me that he was reading me. Curious, i asked: “And what do you see?” His answer was simple, yet it struck deep: “I see a white page. The chapter number one is completely empty and you can write everything you want. Go for it.” Since then, i’ve been holding onto those words. A white page… mine to fill. It feels both frightening and liberating. I am scared. I am fragile. Yet i know, that i am the one holding the pen. I can write a new story: A new life, A new job, a new

I’m back. Not as I left, but as I needed to return. I brought with me a heart full of knots to untie, the grief for the father who no longer waits for me at the door, the end of a love that ran out of breath, the weight of cycles that hurt me but that I was afraid to close. Landing here felt like diving into a living past: embracing friends who know my soul, stepping on sidewalks where I once was happy, recognizing scents and sounds that remind me of who I was. I cried. I smi

I am still adrift. In this river I did not choose, but that carries me anyway. I don’t know where it’s taking me. I no longer try to know. There is a part of me that grew tired of asking. I fought against the current too many times. I spent my body. I spent my soul. And what I received was silence, water in my lungs, and an exhaustion i don’t know how to put into words. Every time I tried to resist, I sank. Now I let myself go. Not out of weakness, but out of clarity. Because